Why blog? I'm sitting at this computer thinking this...
It's like going to your therapy session and right before you open the door, you say to yourself, "I have no reason to go to this session, I have nothing to say, I'm fine." Then you walk out having cried at least 2 times, laughed a bit, and had a slight revelation.
Okay, maybe I do that... or maybe we all can relate to that and I was right for generalizing that. OR maybe I just exposed myself to the entire world and now you all are judging me like crazy... "Paula goes to therapy...? weird." Or maybe its not weird at all and it's just a good thing for a person that internalizes all their feelings to talk about it, OR put it on a blog... the world wide web.
But you know, I figure... shoot, I'm on a journey to myself in this life... people have a hard time understanding me because I don't express my feelings aloud, so maybe this will help me better express myself, to me and to others...
After writing that I have this strong urge to just delete this blog or to defend myself. And even as I say this I'm like, shoot, they've got me figured out. DAMN.
Like its a bad thing that you figure me out? Ive always been scared of people figuring me out. Cuz then you know, if you figure me out, you may not like me, then I won't have friends, then I'll be all alone. lol...
Acting classes are hightening my self awareness and totally making me over analyze everything more than I have done before.
Its not good, its not bad, it just is...
I'm breathing now... right now. I just took a breath.
Breathing is quite hard here in the city. Everything moves so quickly so the last thing you remember to do it breathe. Thats why some of my classes are strictly focusing on our breathing. And boy, I have never understood Kim Scott more than I do right about now... "JUST BREATHE YALL"
So its funny, the times that I want to blog are the times that I feel good. But why not write when you feel like shit... or when you feel confused... or tired... the best shit comes from that shit. LOL For lack of better words...
So I write. I want to make this promise to myself that I will make a blog everyday at the same time. Maybe the evening... just to check in and write. Kinda like Skylar and her vlog. (She is so brave for that... I mean seriously, that is some ballsy stuff putting your entire life on video for the whole world to see. Major props friend.)
I wish I could just write and write and write and be okay with everyone reading my life on a blog... and I understand that its okay for somethings in life to be private... but im going into acting, not so private of a career, you know?
So i'm thinking now, and i'm thinking that, you know, I guess I have been fake... or something... just not being me. Like, I've shown my self in a way that I want people to see me. How I would like to be seen. And thats kinda embarrassing to admit that because thats kinda like I have been lying to you and to myself.
Here I go, over analyzing everything again...
I was in scene study today and we were doing an exercise. An exercise that many non actors may find strange. But maybe not, cuz its pretty cool. Just be open minded. :)
So we're doing the inner child exercise. This is an exercise where we spoke a nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill. We then had to relate the nursery rhyme to our life, or should I say find a way to connect personally to the text. So when we spoke the nursery rhyme, we were actually saying the words and not reciting them... Then after we did that, we were told to look at us as a young child. (And don't freak out guys, but..) I saw my little two year old self. Like I could see me in front of me just smiling at me. And I'm laying on the floor crying about this nursery rhyme that I related back to a story in my life... and there this cute little girl is looking at me, smiling.
I just start CRACKING UP. What the hell happened to me from then to this moment? Have I gone through the mill or what?
So I'm looking at my two year old self... she is happy as a clam with no care in the world. So thankful for everything... so friendly to strangers... such a strong happy girl.
So our instructor tells us to talk to ourselves... (sounds crazy) but literally talk to our child self. And I didn't want to tell her anything that was about to happen to her, because why? Why do that? She needs to experience those things... All I could do was laugh at myself in this moment for being so god damn serious when there is so much to be grateful for, like when I was two. I told my little Paula to keep that attitude and to never forget it because there are going to be trials in life where you forget or you break and never get put back together exactly the same way... But for some reason I felt like that is no excuse to forget that pure happiness that my little Paula felt. The gratefulness... and its true... I am so freaking grateful I can't even explain... and I don't think I have let myself be grateful for a long time, like I made myself feel like I didnt deserve it.
After the we spoke to our inner child, our instructor instructed us to ask our inner child if they would come back. Ask them if we could use them in our work. But I already did when I started to laugh. I love little Paula.
My friend Sara told me something great today. She said, "how can I not have hope for the future or feel great? I'm still breathing and I have a birthday still." And that is so true. The simple little things that we neglect. The gift of life.
Anyway, life is hard you guys... but it is such a wonderful journey. I went on a sort of journey in this blog. At the beginning I really didn't want to share because I thought I was going to be too negative. It's really difficult to talk about your process, while you are figuring out or going through your process. Its almost like talking while you are free falling; ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SCREAM.
Anyway, I love you all. And thank you for taking your time to read this.
