But I'm sick of home. So you can already see how conflicted I may feel.
This morning I woke up and I went to sit by the window in my 2nd parents apartment, looking 5 stories down to the street in the West Village... The clouds are filling up the sky because apparently we are going to die from a tidal wave called Hurricane Earl. But you know, I really want to go swimming because it is hotter than hell here. So its cool.
Anyways! I was sitting by the window looking out at a hand painted Marc Jacobs advertisement and a tear began to come out of my eye balls and I'm all WTF-I didn't tell you to start watering profusely eye BALLS! But they took their coarse and watered away and I just let it happen for that one minute because my mom told me recently that it is good to cry out your tears because tears contain toxins... so if you are happy or if you are sad or angry, each tear contains a different chemical, and if you don't cry it out, then the toxins just stay in your body.
I have no idea where she got that idea but it sounds good to me.
Yeah, I don't really know what I was crying about but I know that before I looked at the Marc Jacobs hand painted advertisement, I was looking at the bus full of tourists that were taking pictures of the advertisement.
What I'm thinking when I look at those tourist is: I am not one of those anymore... but then again YES I AM... I'm not a NEW YORKER... I don't live in Cali... I am in limbo! And then I start to realize that things are never going to be the same again and then I start to think about this past summer and how easy it was... Will it ever be that easy again? Wait a second, last summer was hard as hell... I mean parts of it... like family life and stuff. But also, it was one of my favorite summers... very care free. I learned to meditate often and that helped me to open up, which made it easier for me to open up to people, which made my relationships with friends and loved ones much more fulfilling and much more difficult to leave behind when I move away... A catch-22 some might say...
But I have to keep thinking positive. Yes, things are only going to get better and this is part of the transition. It's all going to get better because I am working to be better.
hope you liked all that. ADD at its finest.
Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, my apartment is in the BEST location. two blocks from my school and Time Square... Right next to all the essentials. I live ACROSS THE STREET from a Starbucks! (DANGEROUS) But it is okay because Kelsie and I are getting a coffee maker... Actually she offered to buy one. Bless her heart! She is so sweet. I am excited to get to know this girl. And everyone at Circle in the Square as a matter o'fact.
I have a ton to do, I wish that I could tell you all about everything that is going through my head here and also let you know what I am doing and all the great stories that I already have... But I have to get ready to move all my stuff into my apartment today! Sooooo excited and sooo lucky that my 2nd parents (Bill and Therese) are getting a truck to move my stuff! They found me a bed and closet!!! I am so lucky to have them.
My bank account is lucky too.
ALRIGHT, I'm gonna go get some business taken care off. I'm gonna keep moving forward and try as hard as I can to live in the moment because it is time to stop dwelling and focus on me. I miss so many people but if they care about me now, I know they will make a point to be in my future.
Peace and love,
Poodle
Awwwww, Paurrra, I know it's the most bizarre feeling, isn't it? I was more homesick than I've ever been in my life for the first couple of days, so I feel you. I wanted to cry myself to sleep a few nights, even though I was so thrilled to be living here, there is that great big gaping cluster of difference, and the unknown, and the fact that if you look on a map we are fucking FAR from home.
ReplyDeleteBut it will feel better and I think missing home actually means that we've grown up a lot...it seems like it would be the opposite, but I think it means we appreciate our friends and family back home more. We're appreciative of the love in our lives, you know?
Stay positive, you've inspired me to want to meditate too! You seem soooooooo good, Paula! Keep it up, you're just glowing and open! It's an inspiration!
Take it a day at a time, it's gonna REEEEEALLY suck sometimes, and it'll be expensive as all get out, but we are living our dreams.
Love you, LL! Wish Columbia didn't own my life yet, so we could hang out more. We'll have to make time this weekend.
xoxo
I know how it feels to be homesick. Trust me. But it will get better with each day. Just got to stay busy and enjoy yourself. Plus you still have all your girlfriends here, so stay in touch. Are you ever movin back to cali or are you stayin on the east coast for good?
ReplyDeleteI will be coming back to visit sometime but I will not be moving back for at least another two years and even then I don't think I will move back to Concord... But even so... I will be seeing you all, Because I love you guys!
ReplyDeletecrying is good for you...so let it out! break down walls! i'm glad i got to see you before we both left. this whole homesick thing is lame, but i think of it as me missing the comfort and easiest of home, you know? knowing everyone, the place etc.
ReplyDeleteDon't let it override you, i did that once and it ruined my whole experience, but you're too smart for that. :) take it one day at a time ms.b. you got it, even if you dont feel like you do. "you're exactly where you're meant to be." and "this too shall pass." two things i try to remember when things seem reaaaaaal lame or confusing. ily poodle. i.love.you. my cancer friend. :)