My Little Paula

Why blog? I'm sitting at this computer thinking this...
It's like going to your therapy session and right before you open the door, you say to yourself, "I have no reason to go to this session, I have nothing to say, I'm fine." Then you walk out having cried at least 2 times, laughed a bit, and had a slight revelation.

Okay, maybe I do that... or maybe we all can relate to that and I was right for generalizing that. OR maybe I just exposed myself to the entire world and now you all are judging me like crazy... "Paula goes to therapy...? weird." Or maybe its not weird at all and it's just a good thing for a person that internalizes all their feelings to talk about it, OR put it on a blog... the world wide web.

But you know, I figure... shoot, I'm on a journey to myself in this life... people have a hard time understanding me because I don't express my feelings aloud, so maybe this will help me better express myself, to me and to others...

After writing that I have this strong urge to just delete this blog or to defend myself. And even as I say this I'm like, shoot, they've got me figured out. DAMN.
Like its a bad thing that you figure me out? Ive always been scared of people figuring me out. Cuz then you know, if you figure me out, you may not like me, then I won't have friends, then I'll be all alone. lol...

Acting classes are hightening my self awareness and totally making me over analyze everything more than I have done before.

Its not good, its not bad, it just is...

I'm breathing now... right  now. I just took a breath.

Breathing is quite hard here in the city. Everything moves so quickly so the last thing you remember to do it breathe. Thats why some of my classes are strictly focusing on our breathing. And boy, I have never understood Kim Scott more than I do right about now... "JUST BREATHE YALL"


So its funny, the times that I want to blog are the times that I feel good. But why not write when you feel like shit... or when you feel confused... or tired... the best shit comes from that shit. LOL  For lack of better words...
So I write. I want to make this promise to myself that I will make a blog everyday at the same time. Maybe the evening... just to check in and write. Kinda like Skylar and her vlog. (She is so brave for that... I mean seriously, that is some ballsy stuff putting your entire life on video for the whole world to see. Major props friend.)

I wish I could just write and write and write and be okay with everyone reading my life on a blog... and I understand that its okay for somethings in life to be private... but im going into acting, not so private of a career, you know?

So i'm thinking now, and i'm thinking that, you know, I guess I have been fake... or something... just not being me. Like, I've shown my self in a way that I want people to see me. How I would like to be seen. And thats kinda embarrassing to admit that because thats kinda like I have been lying to you and to myself.

Here I go, over analyzing everything again...

I was in scene study today and we were doing an exercise. An exercise that many non actors may find strange. But maybe not, cuz its pretty cool. Just be open minded. :)
So we're doing the inner child exercise. This is an exercise where we spoke a nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill. We then had to relate the nursery rhyme to our life, or should I say find a way to connect personally to the text. So when we spoke the nursery rhyme, we were actually saying the words and not reciting them... Then after we did that, we were told to look at us as a young child. (And don't freak out guys, but..) I saw my little two year old self. Like I could see me in front of me just smiling at me. And I'm laying on the floor crying about this nursery rhyme that I related back to a story in my life... and there this cute little girl is looking at me, smiling.
I just start CRACKING UP. What the hell happened to me from then to this moment? Have I gone through the mill or what?
So I'm looking at my two year old self... she is happy as a clam with no care in the world. So thankful for everything... so friendly to strangers... such a strong happy girl.
So our instructor tells us to talk to ourselves... (sounds crazy) but literally talk to our child self. And I didn't want to tell her anything that was about to happen to her, because why? Why do that? She needs to experience those things... All I could do was laugh at myself in this moment for being so god damn serious when there is so much to be grateful for, like when I was two. I told my little Paula to keep that attitude and to never forget it because there are going to be trials in life where you forget or you break and never get put back together exactly the same way... But for some reason I felt like that is no excuse to forget that pure happiness that my little Paula felt. The gratefulness... and its true... I am so freaking grateful I can't even explain... and I don't think I have let myself be grateful for a long time, like I made myself feel like I didnt deserve it.

After the we spoke to our inner child, our instructor instructed us to ask our inner child if they would come back. Ask them if we could use them in our work. But I already did when I started to laugh. I love little Paula.

My friend Sara told me something great today. She said, "how can I not have hope for the future or feel great? I'm still breathing and I have a birthday still." And that is so true. The simple little things that we neglect. The gift of life.


Anyway, life is hard you guys... but it is such a wonderful journey. I went on a sort of journey in this blog. At the beginning I really didn't want to share because I thought I was going to be too negative. It's really difficult to talk about your process, while you are figuring out or going through your process. Its almost like talking while you are free falling; ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS SCREAM.

Anyway, I love you all. And thank you for taking your time to read this.

I feel homesick

But I'm sick of home. So you can already see how conflicted I may feel.

This morning I woke up and I went to sit by the window in my 2nd parents apartment, looking 5 stories down to the street in the West Village... The clouds are filling up the sky because apparently we are going to die from a tidal wave called Hurricane Earl. But you know, I really want to go swimming because it is hotter than hell here. So its cool.

Anyways! I was sitting by the window looking out at a hand painted Marc Jacobs advertisement and a tear began to come out of my eye balls and I'm all WTF-I didn't tell you to start watering profusely eye BALLS! But they took their coarse and watered away and I just let it happen for that one minute because my mom told me recently that it is good to cry out your tears because tears contain toxins... so if you are happy or if you are sad or angry, each tear contains a different chemical, and if you don't cry it out, then the toxins just stay in your body.
I have no idea where she got that idea but it sounds good to me.

Yeah, I don't really know what I was crying about but I know that before I looked at the Marc Jacobs hand painted advertisement, I was looking at the bus full of tourists that were taking pictures of the advertisement.
What I'm thinking when I look at those tourist is: I am not one of those anymore... but then again YES I AM... I'm not a NEW YORKER... I don't live in Cali... I am in limbo! And then I start to realize that things are never going to be the same again and then I start to think about this past summer and how easy it was... Will it ever be that easy again? Wait a second, last summer was hard as hell... I mean parts of it... like family life and stuff. But also, it was one of my favorite summers... very care free. I learned to meditate often and that helped me to open up, which made it easier for me to open up to people, which made my relationships with friends and loved ones much more fulfilling and much more difficult to leave behind when I move away... A catch-22 some might say...

But I have to keep thinking positive. Yes, things are only going to get better and this is part of the transition. It's all going to get better because I am working to be better.

hope you liked all that. ADD at its finest.


Anywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, my apartment is in the BEST location. two blocks from my school and Time Square... Right next to all the essentials. I live ACROSS THE STREET from a Starbucks! (DANGEROUS) But it is okay because Kelsie and I are getting a coffee maker... Actually she offered to buy one. Bless her heart! She is so sweet. I am excited to get to know this girl. And everyone at Circle in the Square as a matter o'fact.

I have a ton to do, I wish that I could tell you all about everything that is going through my head here and also let you know what I am doing and all the great stories that I already have... But I have to get ready to move all my stuff into my apartment today! Sooooo excited and sooo lucky that my 2nd parents (Bill and Therese) are getting a truck to move my stuff! They found me a bed and closet!!! I am so lucky to have them.
My bank account is lucky too.


ALRIGHT, I'm gonna go get some business taken care off. I'm gonna keep moving forward and try as hard as I can to live in the moment because it is time to stop dwelling and focus on me. I miss so many people but if they care about me now, I know they will make a point to be in my future.

Peace and love,
Poodle

I love coffeeeeeeee

Hey guys,
I have more followers! I am SO COOOOOOOOL.

So. I am excited that my very good friend is blogging  now, CINDY KAYDIZZLE.
Check out her rambling at: http://ckinnyc.blogspot.com/
She's pretty cool, my former Pop girl, and a fellow Cancerian. I love her and she is really silly... so read her shiet.

Okay, so.... I haven't written in a while because I gave up the Internet for a good week. WHOA that was weird. Also, I just haven't had time to write a blog post period.

I had my 22nd birthday, which was fun....
We ate pizza and drank beer at Rocco's

Then we went dancing...




















Then this older creep guy wanted to take a picture of the group and decided to zoom into my cleavage instead.

Adios Mother Effer... Creep.


So that was fun and of course the night ended with a trip to Taco Bell.


A day before my birthday Magnus came to visit me on his way down from Ashland. We got sushi and washed the windows on my car.

So I had a great birthday filled with lots of singing, taco bell, pizza, and beer.


This past 4th of July weekend was great. Amanda, Whitney, and I went to Arnold and swam in a lake and had fun..... No fireworks tho. :/

I'm not really sleeping. I was just tired and thought it would be funny to sleep in the picture instead of smile. HEH!

I'll post more pictures from the weekend soon. There are some really funny ones...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So now I am at the 'brary studying for my midterm. Oh wait, that's next week. COOL. Oh, well... starting early.

Also, I am really looking forward to the Rhianna/K$$$$$$A concert!!!!!!!!!!! I can not wait to spend some time with Janette and Simone before I go. Juiced!


Well I think that is enough for now. Enjoy!

Love you.

Chompers go chomp chomp chomp...

Okay, so here is the deal. Since I have returned home I have either been a wet rat or a grease monkey. I either shower and leave the house with my hair wet or go out with out showering. I am not wearing make up and I feel free. I'm assuming the kind of free that a straight boy feels. It's nice.

So not many people follow my blog and most of the people that do already know about my friend being a super star. My dearest friend Paige started an Etsy account. PEOPLE!!! She's good. She makes great earrings and these things that are called coronettes. (I just learned about that word...fancy.) Check. it. out.

www.etsy.com/shop/paigeisapeach

Anywho...

I got my teeth cleaned at the dentist today... I need to floss more. Yep. Also with the combination of me doing any last efforts to floss my teeth today and yesterday... made it worse. My mouth felt like someone took a razor blade to my gums. YUM!

NO CAVITIES! I'm so cool. I wish they still let me have a sticker after my appointment. Supposedly I am grown up now or something... (?)

Princess Tiger Lilly and Raspberry Brulee are growing up... They are soooo cute. I'll put some pics up soon of those little rascals. 

I made Hazelnut Creme coffee today and thought of the Pop Girls. Miss you all soo much.<3

Stranded at Starbucks

With the Peach!

Peach's car broke down and now we are sitting in a Starbucks listening to classic showtunes turned into elevator music. LIMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i LOVE  this.


How do you add a video to your blog?

Wake up in the morning feeling like Eminem...

"Cuz I am cleaning out my closet."

I can not even believe it. Today is the last day in the POP HOUSE! Wow, an end of  an era....

Got ourselves some Slurpees for old times sake and sat out on the back porch and chatted.

Said goodbye to Bill and Cyn over pizza and chit-chat. Bittersweet. I love them so much.

Now time to clean some more... BOO!

Going to see Sex in the City 2 tonight. I have never really gotten into the series nor the movies. I don't know, just not my thang... but, I will be open minded tonight because it is my last night with the pop ladies and we are bonding... And who knows? Maybe I will end up enjoying the movie and then fall in love with the show. We. will. see.

Here is a picture Laura sent me of my mom and I on my graduation.

Great day!

Pack up my college life

THIS IS HARD.

Packing up everything is not only hard to do physically, but it is so mentally draining...

Isn't saying goodbye to friends enough?

At least I have 3 more days to move out...

I have so much random SHIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

.

I am sure it will all be okay soon, but this transition is intense.